


The Untimely Death of Anne Shea

by wordsarelifealways



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Bo's hardly in it if you aren't a fan of him but he also isn't a dick, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, spoilers for Eyewitness finale, tw anxiety attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-09 21:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8914081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsarelifealways/pseuds/wordsarelifealways
Summary: Filling in some gaps from the Eyewitness finale.





	1. A Motherless Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helen tells Philip his mother is dead.

Helen was delaying it. She knew damn well that she was, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him. Philip was slumped in the passenger seat of the Jeep, looking every bit like he had been stuffed in the boot of a car after weeks of torment.

It looked like the life had been drained out of him. All except his eyes, which were laser focused on the ambulance she was following back to the hospital. She wished she could see inside that head of his, if for no other reason than to know what to say to him.

_I’m sorry I didn’t put it together sooner?_

_I’m sorry you had to see me shoot him?_

_I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you and your family better?_

Philip hadn’t said a word since she had seen him stood with the barrel of Ryan’s gun pressed into his side. It wasn’t like the uneasy silence that clung to them when he first moved in, or the silence that crackled with rage after an argument, but it was still a silence she knew well.

Shock was a hell of a conversation killer.

“The EMT said Lukas should be alright; just some torn stitches and blood loss.” Helen hedged and she could see Philip nod in her periphery. He didn’t say anything, but she heard the low exhale of relief and somehow the silence seemed easier after that.

How the hell was she going to tell him about Anne?

***

Philip felt like he’d been hit by a train. Multiple trains. He’d had adrenaline up to his eyeballs back in the boot of that guy’s car, but now it was over he felt like one of those bags you vacuumed all the air out of. There was so much he wanted to ask but his tongue felt like lead in his mouth and he couldn’t find the words.

Where was his mom? What was with the messages? How did Ryan get her phone? What happened now the guy from the cabin was dead?

“Philip, we’re here.” Helen’s voice jolted him out of his thoughts and, even though she’d been talking at a normal volume, made him jump in his seat. His hands shook as he unclasped his seatbelt and he had to grab back onto the door as he got out of the Jeep because his legs turned to jelly as soon as he tried to stand on them.

Helen was on him in an instant, helping him stay upright until he could stand on his own.

“I know you want to see Lukas but-” Helen started and Philip’s neck actually cracked with the speed he turned to look at her, his mouth already opening to protest whatever she was going to say.

“Don’t look at me like that. Look, the nurses need to redo his stitches and Bo’s with him right now. He isn’t alone. Besides, those two probably need to have a little talk. While they do that I want your statement, from the top. You can write it down if that’s easier than talking about it all.”

Philip wanted to argue. God, did he want to argue. But Helen had a point about Lukas and Bo and he had a feeling Bo probably wouldn’t want to see his face right now. With the killer dead Philip was pretty sure he could wait ten minutes to see Lukas. The threat was over.

 _It was over._ The thought hit Philip like a brick to the stomach. It was over, they could all move on with their lives.

“Yeah, sure, okay.” He heard himself say as he followed Helen into one of the relative rooms and braced himself to write the whole ordeal down.

It would probably make a hell of a story one day.

***

 _“Lukas.”_ It was like the breath was punched out of him as soon as Philip saw him. They were like magnets; Lukas sat up in the bed as Philip shot across the room and wrapped his arms around him. Lukas was hot to the touch and he looked tired as hell, but he looked lighter too. Like a weight he was carrying before was gone. Philip pulled back a little and pressed his forehead against Lukas’, trying to imprint every detail into his fried brain.

_They were alive they were alive they were alive they were alive._

“What happened? I woke up in the ambulance and you were- you weren’t there and Tony just said that Helen ran off after that guy who had us and-”

“Shut up.” Philip shook his head and pressed a kiss to Lukas’ mouth to shut him up. “You’re not supposed to stress yourself out. I’m fine. He- he was going to kill me. But Helen showed up and he just…let me go.” Philip squeezed his eyes shut at the memory and pressed his face into Lukas’ neck. “She shot him. She figured it all out and she shot him.” He whispered into the warm skin he was trying to hide in.

“Shit.” Lukas swore quietly as he carded his fingers soothingly through Philip’s hair.

“I’m…gonna give you two some privacy. Anyone want a drink?” Bo asked awkwardly and Philip’s eyes slid over to look at him. He couldn’t find it in himself to move away from Lukas, not now he knew they were both going to live. Bo gave him a small smile and Philip gave him a weak one in return.

_It was gonna be alright._

***

Philip was lying on Lukas’ bed half asleep when Helen came in. She looked uncertain and Philip pressed a finger to his lips. He didn’t have the energy to move from where he was tucked against Lukas’ side, his head resting Lukas’ chest. The beating of his boyfriend’s heart was comforting, not that he would ever admit that aloud.

“He’s sleeping.” Philip mumbled tiredly. He felt like he could sleep for a week himself. Helen nodded and quietly came over and sat in one of the seats next to the bed, smiling faintly at them.

“You’re good for each other.” She said, and Philip felt his face colour.

“Thanks.” He nestled closer to Lukas, unsure of what to say. They sat together in silence for a few minutes; Lukas asleep, Philip half on top of him trying _not_ to sleep, and Helen off to one side staring at them. There was a weird vibe in the room though, had been since Helen had come in.

“Helen?”

“I have to tell you something, Philip.” She sighed, and Philip sat up slightly.

“What is it? Is it my mom? Where is she? Is she alright?” Suddenly all his questions came flooding back and out of his mouth and he sat up bolt upright. Helen held a hand up and he shut his mouth, staring at her with wide eyes. His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. What if Ryan wasn’t dead? What if it wasn’t over?

“Philip?” Lukas mumbled and Philip looked down.

“Sorry, we didn’t mean to wake you.” Philip whispered as he sat up properly.

“No, you should be here for this, Lukas.” Helen shook her head and Philip’s heart somehow managed to race even faster. He helped Lukas sit up in bed and tried to ignore the trembling in his hands.

“What is it, Helen?” Philip asked again. He was amazed he didn’t stutter considering he was 70% sure he was having some sort of heart attack.

“It’s your mother, Philip.”

And just like that, his heart stopped.

“I’m sorry, Philip. We went to the rehab centre but Ryan…she was dead.”

***

 _Shit._ Lukas looked away from Helen and to Philip, just in time to see the colour vanish from his face.

“No.” Philip’s voice was loud, too loud for the small room they were in, and he was shaking his head back and forth like he was hoping to force that information right back out of his brain and back into Helen’s mouth.

“No, no, no, no, no, no-” Philip’s breathing was picking up now and he looked terrified. More terrified than Lukas had ever seen him. It wasn’t until Philip’s whole body started shaking and the sound of Philip’s painfully sharp intakes of breath were the only things you could hear in that room that Lukas realised he was having an anxiety attack.

“Shit!” Lukas surged into action even though he had no idea what to do to help someone through something like this. All those times Philip had helped him flashed through his mind and here he was unable to do the same.

Thankfully, Helen took the lead. She pulled Philip away so he was sat on the edge of the bed and pushed his head between his knees with a firm hand on his back. Lukas watched wide eyed as Philip shook violently, but his breathing steadied out after a few minutes.

And then Philip was sick.

Or, he _would_ have been sick if they’d eaten something more than the sweets they’d eaten in bed that morning. Lukas couldn’t remember ever feeling more helpless than he did right then; watching Philip dry heave on the edge of the bed as his life fell apart. The guttural sound of dry heaving slowly stopped and Lukas crept closer uncertainly as Helen removed her hand from Philip’s back.

“Philip?” Lukas whispered and he winced as the boy flinched. It hurt something deep in Lukas to see Philip like this, so he did the only thing he knew how to do. He pulled Philip into his embrace.

And then Philip really fell apart. It shredded Lukas’ nerves to listen to Philip cry and he pulled the boy closer, flat out ignoring the pain in his stitches as he held Philip to his chest.

It was the sort of hug his mother would give, Lukas remembered, and he found himself staring down at Philip’s hair wondering how it was he had given Lukas back two memories of his mother in the same day when he had gone years without remembering anything.

“Shh, shh,” Lukas tried making soothing noises and he smoothed Philip’s hair back from his face, and he felt his heart break. Philip’s eyes were glassy with tears and the dirt on his face now had messy tear tracks through it. Somehow he was still beautiful though.

“I’ve got you.” Lukas promised quietly, using his thumb to wipe away the tear under Philip’s eye. Philip nodded and pressed his face back into Lukas’ chest insistently until they were lying back down like they were a few minutes ago.

Except nothing was like it was a few minutes ago, because Anne Shea was dead and there was nothing anyone could do to make that better for her now motherless son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come find me fangirling](http://isaksredscarf.tumblr.com)


	2. Dancing in the Kitchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set about a week after the finale. Philip and Lukas go to the city to clear Anne's stuff from the flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for how sad this is. I cried a few times writing this, just a warning. It got a bit long, but I couldn't bring myself to cut any of it out.  
>    
> [Spot the nerd](http://isaksredscarf.tumblr.com)

“I need to go to the city.” Philip finally announced over dinner one night. It had been almost a week – _how had it only been a few days?_ – since Helen had told him his mom was dead. The first few days Philip had been too lost in shock to think of what to do. It wasn’t until he shut his hand in the Jeep door by accident that he managed to snap himself out of it.

“I should- there’s stuff- I need-” Philip seemed to lose his voice as soon as Gabe and Helen were looking at him and he felt his throat start to close up as he thought about what he needed to do.

“You don’t need to explain, son.” Gabe put his fork down and covered Philip’s hand with his own and, for one glorious second, the overwhelming pressure on his shoulders lifted. “Whatever you need right now, you got it.” Gabe added.  


Philip didn’t even need to look at Helen to know that she wanted to protest to _anything_ , but Gabe shot a look across the table that clearly said not to push it.

“Thanks.” Philip said weakly.

And just like that, he had a trip back to city on the horizon.

***

“If you need us we’re having lunch. Call us, okay?” Helen repeated for the hundredth time as she walked Philip and Lukas to the battered front door of Philip’s old home.

“I know. Thanks.” Philip nodded, his heart sinking further and further they closer they got to the door.

“I’ll look after him, I swear.” Lukas winked at Helen in an attempt to lighten the mood, and for a moment everyone smiled like everything was normal.

Except it wasn’t, because Philip was going to go inside this flat and sort through his dead mother’s things ready for the place to be cleared for a new family. He wasn’t sure if anything would ever feel normal again.

“C’mon then, I’m starving.” Gabe broke the increasingly awkward silence and hooked his arm through Helen’s, clearly ready to drag her away from this private moment if he needed to. Philip watched them walk away, gave Helen a small wave when she looked anxiously over her shoulder at him, and leaned against the door once they were gone from his sight.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Lukas threaded his fingers through Philip’s and gave a comforting squeeze. It helped Philip feel grounded in the present rather than lost inside his own head and he appreciated it more than he’d probably ever be able to say.

“It should be me who does it. We didn’t have anyone else.” Philip muttered, his voice hoarse. Like hell was he going to leave this job to Billy.

“Okay.” Lukas nodded. Philip took a breath to try to calm his nerves and then he let them into the flat. The last time they had been there the smell of sex still clung to them and they were walking straight into Ryan’s trap, and Philip couldn’t shake the feeling that something terrible was going to happen this time too.

He did his look around the place twice. Not that there was much to check in their tiny flat, but still. 

“Where do you want to start?” Lukas asked tentatively and Philip looked around. He felt like he was in a dream – or a nightmare – and nothing around him was real. He didn’t _want_ to start anywhere. He didn’t _want_ to do this at all. But it was his job.

“Her room, I guess.” He heard himself say. “That’s where most of her stuff is.” It wasn’t even like they had had a lot of stuff, no one in the projects did, but the things they had meant a lot and Philip couldn’t let them bin it all. He couldn’t live with letting his mom just be erased. He had to save some of it.

He gripped onto Lukas’ hand tighter and steered him through to his mom’s old room. _She was never coming back here. She was never coming back anywhere._ The air was punched out Philip’s lungs and he doubled over, trying to stop the feeling of his heart cracking in two.

“Hey, I’ve got you.” Lukas grunted as he got pulled down by Philip. He wrapped his arms around Philip’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to his temple. “We’ve got time to do this, there’s no rush.” Lukas whispered and Philip nodded.

Time. His mom didn’t have any more of that.

Philip tried to push that thought away, because he knew if he let it linger he was going to end up screaming about how unfair it was. He decided to throw himself into his cleaning. He was going to sort through everything so vigorously that he wouldn’t even be able to form a thought.

***

In the end it didn’t take the boys long. Philip hadn’t expected it to take more than a day, but he hadn’t expected it to take under an hour either. He had a small box filled with things he couldn’t bear to part with, and the rest was going to the charity shop. They had a bin bags full of clothes that could be donated and another bag to go to the bin.

That was all. His mom’s whole life fit into a tiny box and not even two full bin bags.

“Is there anything to go through in your room?” Lukas pulled Philip out of his thoughts and he tore his gaze away from the inside of the box.

“My room?” The thought hadn’t even occurred to him. Part of him just wanted to stay in his mom’s room, surrounded by her things and her smell, and stare at his small box of memories. He knew he had to clear the rest of the flat though.

“Yeah, because I’m guessing the two of you didn’t both live in here.” Lukas raised an eyebrow and Philip shook his head.

“No, no, I have- I had a room. It’s this way.” He shook his head again, trying to clear the fog as he led Lukas into his old room. In another life maybe they’d be pulling and pushing each other along the small corridor, exchanging kisses and thanking god that they had the place to themselves for a while. Instead they walked quietly hand in hand. 

The place felt weird now, like it wasn’t right to talk.

What would they even talk abo-

“Do you- do you want to talk about her?” Lukas suggested as Philip kicked his door open. He set the box down on the floor and looked around his old room. It felt so alien now.

“It was my job.” The words were out of Philip’s mouth before he even thought about it.

“It was your job to talk about your mom?” Lukas’ brow crinkled in confusion and Philip laughed, the sound startling him in the chilly quiet of the flat.

“Yeah, I went out on the street and charged people to listen to me talk about my mom.” Philip said sarcastically, but the joking mood faded fast.

“You did though, didn’t you?” Lukas asked a minute of dead silence. “Go out on the street and…” He trailed off and Philip sucked in a sharp breath.

“And charge guys to hook up? Yeah, I did. And I’d do it again because it stopped me and my mom from starving to death or living in the dark or from her getting us into debt-” Philip broke off abruptly. This wasn’t the time to badmouth his mom. She was sick, it wasn’t her fault.

“You’re incredible.” Lukas was staring at him as if he’d just admitted to putting a man on the moon rather than prostituting himself illegally.

“Didn’t make a difference though, did it?” Philip asked flatly. “It was my job to look _after_ us. I did that shit for money, I stole food, I’d steal shit and flog it for money…I looked after her when she got high and thought she was seeing things. I’d put up with stupid boyfriends who just wanted to get high all the time, because she kept saying they made her happy. I did _everything_! I made her eat and I made sure our bills were paid and I even pulled needles out of her arm when she passed out and it _wasn’t enough_!” He was shouting by the end, and he felt like his whole body was on fire.

“I did _everything_ and she still ended up _dead_! She didn’t even get to die at _home_. She was getting better! She was getting better and he _killed_ her! She didn’t even _know_ anything!” Philip kicked his old bed frame furiously. “She was going to get clean and come home! And now this shitty little hole is going to be someone else’s!” Philip smacked his hand off the bedside table angrily.

That was when Lukas intervened.

He pulled Philip away from the furniture and into a hug. At first Philip resisted, still burning with rage, but Lukas wouldn’t let go no matter how much he struggled.

“Lukas, let go!” He protested, trying to push the blonde away.

“No. You’re just going to hurt yourself.” Lukas replied calmly. Philip shook his head, ready to protest, but Lukas lifted up the hand he had hit the bedside table with and Philip realised that the knuckles were already bruising.

“Oh…” He blinked, and slowly the molten hot rage drained out of him. His whole body sagged without the rage to keep him up and he melted into Lukas, a trembling mess.

“C’mon.” Lukas muttered, moving them onto the bed. As soon as they were lying down Philip wanted to sleep. He wanted to wake up from this nightmare. But seeing as neither of those were really an option, he just lay with Lukas for a while.

“It wasn’t your job, y’know.” Lukas said eventually. “She was your mom. She was supposed to look after you.” Lukas was stroking his hair now, like he wanted to soothe the pain out of Philip’s memories.

“She wasn’t always like that.” Philip shook his head, closing his eyes and trying to focus on Lukas’ gentle touches. “She used to sing and dance when she made dinner. She used to pull me up and make me dance with her.” A lump rose in Philip’s throat. He had been starting to see that version of his mom again when he went to visit her in rehab; he was so sure this time he was going to get her back. He was sure they’d be dancing in the kitchen again soon.

Ryan robbed her of that though. His mom was never going to get the chance to be 100% clean. He was never going to dance with her again. He didn’t even get to see her.

He didn’t realise he was crying until he heard the stupid mattress squeaking with the force of his shaking. He was aware of Lukas rubbing his back, but he wasn’t saying anything.

“Aren’t you gonna say it’ll be alright?” Philip asked thickly. He was snotty and gross, but he was too bone tired to care.

“No.” Lukas replied bluntly, taking Philip back a bit. “It’s not going to feel alright, not for ages. Maybe not ever. I barely remember my mom but it still hurts to think about her.” Lukas looked down at him and Philip felt a different sort of ache in his chest. This was just one more awful thing to tie them together; the visceral pain of a lost mother.

“Thanks for not lying.” Philip whispered. He hadn’t really been paying attention to the platitudes people had been telling him since his mom died, but for some reason it mattered that Lukas hadn’t fed him sugar coated words that meant nothing.

“People said it all the time when my mom died.” Lukas’ arm tightened around Philip’s shoulder and Philip sought out his free hand to cling onto. “‘It’ll get better, Lukas’, ‘the pain fades eventually, Lukas’. It was all bullshit. It never got better. My dad was never the same, there were gaps everywhere mom used to be, and it never stopped hurting. I- I don’t know how you lasted until now without breaking down. You were so much closer with your mom.” Lukas faltered at that, casting a glance down at Philip.

“Sorry if that was out of line.” He apologised, dropping a kiss to Philip’s clammy forehead.

“I think I needed to hear it.” Philip mumbled. “Everyone keeps saying it’ll be okay, but nothing feels okay any more. Everything feels different now she’s gone.” Philip held on tighter to Lukas’ hand, as if he was afraid Lukas would disappear too if he didn’t hold on tight enough. 

“She liked you, you know.” Philip said quietly. “After that talk on the bench.”

“I liked her too. She was the reason you came to Tivoli in the first place.” Lukas winked down at him and a choked laugh bubbled up in Philip’s aching throat.

“Yeah, because life got _so_ much better when I moved there.” Philip said sarcastically, moving away from Lukas just enough to sit up properly on the bed.

“I know it was shit. I know you missed your mom and I acted like a dick, but- but my life really did get better with you.” Lukas admitted.

“You made my life…complicated.” Philip decided. “Tivoli was just gonna be a pit stop; some place I lived for a couple months before me and mom could come back to Queens. Even before mom- before she- y’know…”

“Died.” Lukas supplied the word gently, and Philip’s eyes stung a little.

“Yeah. Even before she died, I was finding it harder and harder to picture leaving Tivoli. Leaving _you_. Leaving Helen and Gabe. After living in the country it felt like all the city had for me was sucking dick to pay the bills to keep us above water. I wasn’t sure I could go back to that after…everything.”

Philip looked around his old room, scrubbing his eyes to clear them of unshed tears. He didn’t have anything here worth bringing back. When he had been removed by social services he had packed up all his clothes in his rucksack and after that there wasn’t really anything apart from some photos.

_He would never get another photo with his mom._

“This place just doesn’t feel like home any more.”

“Does Tivoli feel like home?” There was an edge of hope in Lukas’ voice that made Philip turn to look at him.

“No. But being with you feels like home.” The smile that broke out on Lukas’ face was like a soothing balm on Philip’s crumbling heart. Lukas sat up as well and pulled him in for a chaste kiss, nothing more than lips pressed against lips and no longer than a few seconds.

“Are you ready to get out of here then?” Lukas asked when they broke apart. “It’s been a couple hours, Helen’s probably climbing the walls of that restaurant by now.” Philip laughed at the idea, and for the first time he thought that maybe things could be normal again.

Maybe not normal like they used to be, but a new normal. A normal where he lives in a big house in the country and dates a blonde idiot obsessed with motor cross and he makes something of his life.

Lukas helped him take the bags out, tossing out the rubbish as Philip sent Helen a text letting her know that they were finished sorting through the flat. Philip looked around and realised the box of things he was taking home was still in his old room.

“I’ll be back in a second!” He called over to Lukas as he went back into the husk of a place he used to call home. Philip moved through the flat quickly and picked up his box of keepsakes. It was mostly photos and mementos from days out, but they were all snapshots of moments when life hadn’t been completely awful in the city.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he put the box down for a minute to see how long Helen and Gabe would be. Philip closed the message and he was going to put his phone back in his pocket and go back out to Lukas, but for some reason he found himself hesitating. He swallowed the aching lump in his throat and glanced around before scrolling through his contacts and pressing call.

His chest hurt as he waited for her voicemail message to finish. It wasn’t long, but hearing her voice at all was both comforting and excruciating.

“I miss you.” Philip swallowed painfully. “Bye, mom.”


	3. Heart Strings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philip goes to Anne's funeral.

The day they buried Philip’s mother the sun was shining and the sky was an endless stretch of blue.  People probably said it was a beautiful day, but nothing about it felt beautiful.  It was the sort of day his mother would have loved; she would have been sat outside watching the clouds go by and trying to make shapes out of them.

He’d never been much good at that game, he could never see what she could, mostly because he had been too busy thinking about _real_ things.  Like making sure the rent was in on time and there was food in the fridge and that his mom was alright.

He regretted that now.  He regretted being too stuck in reality to really enjoy those moments with his mom out on the sofa in the courtyard.

“You ready in here?” Helen asked as she peered around his bedroom door.

“I guess.” Philip nodded, tearing his gaze away from the window.

“C’mon then.” Helen held out a hand and they walked out to the Jeep, clinging onto each other’s hand like it was the only thing keeping them grounded.

***

It was only a small ceremony.  It wasn’t like his mom had lived the sort of life where you made a lot of friends.  Maybe she would have if she’d got clean for good, but they would never know that now.  A few of her friends from rehab had come, as well as one of the nurses, and Billy had shown up briefly before saying it was too much and bailing again.

When Helen and Gabe offered to go with him Philip had initially said no.  He was used to dealing with shit like this alone.  It wasn’t until he went to bed that night after a lazy dinner and game of cards that it occurred to him that he didn’t _have_ to do it alone.  As much as he had felt like he was betraying his mom in the beginning, Helen and Gabe were family and he needed them.  Especially now.

Lukas hadn’t even asked; it didn’t even occur to him that he _wouldn’t_ go to the funeral with Philip.

So all in all there weren’t even ten people there that day watching his mom be lowered into the ground at a small church just outside of Queens.

Philip held onto Lukas’ hand the whole time, too tightly to be comfortable for Lukas, but he never said a word about it.  Philip could hardly hear the words the priest was saying.  He felt like he was floating underwater and everyone’s words were just washing over him.

Was it bad not to pay attention to your mother’s funeral?  He had no idea what you were supposed to do in this situation.  It was taking all his effort not to just sit down and scream.  From across the plot Helen was shooting him concerned looks but he couldn’t bring himself to react to them.

Everyone was looking at him like he was going to shatter apart at any second.  He didn’t know why they were so worried; he’d had his explosive outburst a few days before.  He cringed away from the memory of it.

He’d stolen a bottle of liquor from the house and bailed on dinner.  Cut to three hours later when he showed up at Lukas’ house drunk off his ass screaming at him.  _Why did I let you make me keep it quiet?  If we’d told Helen what we saw that night my mom would still be here!  Why was your secret more important than my mom’s life?_

That was all he remembered saying.  He thinks he might have thrown the empty bottle at Lukas’ head, except he was so drunk it actually hit the wall behind Lukas as Philip’s legs gave out from under him.  Lukas didn’t say anything, but he looked like his heart was breaking.

Philip isn’t really sure how he ended up on the back of Lukas’ bike being taken home, but the next thing he remembers is being in the house shouting at Helen, being awkwardly held up by Lukas.  _Why didn’t you figure it out sooner?  Why did you lead him straight to my mom?  Why didn’t you have someone protecting her as soon as you knew I was there that night?_

That was when he proceeded to vomit up whatever the hell he’d drunk.  Next thing Philip knew he was waking up in bed with a hangover to end all hangovers and Lukas’ warm body pressed against his back.

And that was the end of his anger.

Now all that was left was a bone deep sadness and tiredness that he couldn’t shake.  He had tried to apologise to everyone but they all just shook their heads.  Apparently going out of your mind with grief and 60% proof liquor gives you one free pass.

“ _Philip_!” Lukas hissed, and Philip jerked out of his thoughts.  Everyone was staring at him.  His heart started to beat faster in his chest and he felt the beginnings of sweat prickling at his back.

“He asked if anyone wanted to say anything.” Lukas whispered and Philip’s heart sunk.

“I don’t know what to say!” He hissed back.  Anxiety was scratching at his throat now; he could feel his heartbeat in his rapidly tightening throat.

“I didn’t know Anne for very long,” A voice on the other side of the grave saved Philip temporarily.  The nurse from the rehab centre, he realised.  “But she seemed like a sweet lady.  You see a lot of people come and go in my line of work; lot of people with court orders to get clean who don’t really care.  Not Anne though.” The nurse locked eyes with Philip and he felt tears sting in his eyes.

“Give that woman a chance and she’d tell you all about how she was getting clean for her little boy.  She was ready to start her life, which makes her death even harder to deal with.  I wish I could have got to know her more.  She could light up a room on her good days and she was full of love.  She was one of the good ones.” The nurse never looked away from Philip’s face and he found himself trapped staring into her brown eyes.

“I only met Anne a few times.” Gabe piped up and Philip managed to look away from the nurse.  “But anyone could see how much she loved her boy.  I’m not a particularly religious man – sorry, Father – but I do think there’s more to life than the living.  Death isn’t going to stop Anne from loving you, Philip.  She’ll _always_ be with you.” Gabe gave him a sad smile from across the grave and Philip felt like his heart was splintering in his chest.

“I met her once.  I’m pretty sure she was stoned.” Lukas laughed nervously and Philip’s head snapped up.  Lukas _hated_ public speaking.  “But she was real comforting to be around.  She reminded me for a few minutes what it was like to have a mom.” Lukas nodded to himself and Philip squeezed his hand.  He knows for sure that his mom would have loved Lukas if they could have got to know each other better, in some alternate universe where Philip brought Lukas home to his non-junkie mom and they had dinner together.

“My mom was impossible to live with.” Philip heard himself say.  “You’re all saying all this nice stuff, but…she was hard.  She was clean and then she wasn’t and then she was and then she wasn’t again.  I had to try to juggle _everything_ because she never kept on top of it.” He took a deep breath and tried to calm down.

“But she was amazing too.  She saw the world totally different to…everyone.  Everything was pretty, and everyone deserved a chance, and nothing was impossible.  I wish I could see what she saw.  I wish I could have known her better, when she was sober.  I hope one day I can be more like her.” He swallowed.  His whole body was shaking, to the point where Lukas tugged him close into a hug.

Philip melted into it.  He wrapped his arms tightly around Lukas’ waist and buried his face in his chest.  Whatever the priest was saying was drowned out by the reassuring sound of Lukas’ heart beating.  He had no idea how much time passed while he stood like that, but eventually Philip became aware of fingers running through his hair and breath against his ear.

“-ver.  Philip, hey, it’s over.” Lukas was whispering in his ear.  He moved back slightly from the warmth of Lukas’ chest and glanced around just in time to see Helen and Gabe throwing their handful of dirt onto the coffin.  He watched everyone throw their handful, and every dull thump was like a knife through his heart.

The people from the rehab were the first to leave.  They gave Philip sad smiles and left.  Helen and Gabe came over and told him they were going to get something to eat and that the offer was there for the boys to join, but all Philip could do was shake his head.

He wasn’t ready to leave his mom behind yet.

“I think we’re gonna stay here for a little while.  I can bring him back on the bike.” Lukas answered for him.  Helen’s eyebrows puckered and her lips pursed, but Gabe nodded and took her hand before she could argue.

And then it was just Philip and Lukas.

The priest squeezed Philip’s shoulder as he left.  That was apparently the breaking point, because Philip’s legs vanished from under him and the ground came up to meet him.

Lukas sat down with him, the two of them sat cross legged on the dirt in silence.

“How are you doing?” Lukas ventured.  Philip had no idea how long they had been sat there.

“Do you remember your mom’s funeral?” He asked, looking away from his mom’s grave and to Lukas’ face.

“Not really.” Lukas shook his head, his pale hair catching the breeze.  “I think I remember bits of it?  It might have been a dream though.” He shrugged.

“It’s really surreal.” Philip’s voice sounded hollow even to his own ears.  “Today doesn’t feel real.  It still doesn’t feel real that she’s dead.” Lukas pulled him over at that and Philip pushed him back until they were lying together on the dirt.  He tucked his head under Lukas’ chin and tried to ground himself in his senses.

He could hear birds and Lukas’ breathing and his heartbeat.  He could smell freshly turned earth and grass and Lukas’ aftershave.  He could still taste toothpaste and coffee from this morning.  He could feel Lukas, firm and unmoving, next to him and he could feel the dirt even through his clothes.  He could see trees and gravestones and clouds.

_He could see clouds._

“My mom used to play this game.  She used to sit out and watch clouds for ages.” Philip said, lying on his back to stare up at the sky.

“We used to play that at school when I was a kid!” Lukas exclaimed and Philip smiled faintly over at him.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah!  I haven’t thought about that game for ages.” Lukas laughed as he wrapped an arm around Philip’s shoulders.

They lay like that for a while.  If you asked, Philip couldn’t tell you how long they lay there and made things out of the clouds.  He’d got a little better at it since the last time had played with his mom, but Lukas still saw way more than he did.  Philip was pretty sure he could have given his mom a run for her money.

“Hey, lads, I know it’s been a hard day but we need to fill this grave.” A rough voice said from above them.  Philip sat up and saw two men in overalls, a digger not far behind them.

“Right.” He swallowed.  “Yeah, sorry.” He got up shakily and helped Lukas onto his feet.  They took a few steps back and Philip’s heart hammered as they watched the guy get into the digger.  It didn’t take long before dirt was being unceremoniously dumped on top of his mom’s coffin and Philip felt like he couldn’t breathe, as if _he_ was the one being buried.

“Hey, hey, you’re alright, man.  C’mon, there’s a bench just here.” Lukas had been getting better at dealing with Philip’s meltdowns.  Philip couldn’t tell if that was because Lukas was growing as a person now that the truth was out of if it was just a side effect of Philip’s constant emotional outbursts the last fortnight.  Maybe both.

Philip was aware of Lukas physically making him sit on the bench at the edge of the graveyard and suddenly there was a hand on his chest and Lukas was pressing one of Philip’s hands to his own chest.

“Can you feel my breathing?” Lukas asked and Philip tried to focus.  Lukas was kneeling in front of him with such an earnest look on his face.

“Y-yeah.” Philip stuttered.  He pressed his hand against Lukas’ chest, his thumb stroking the worn out shirt instinctively.

“See if you can breathe with me.” Lukas smiled faintly, mimicking Philip’s stroking motion.  It took a few minutes, but soon enough Philip and Lukas were breathing in sync and Philip didn’t feel like he was being suffocated any more.

“Where’d you learn to do that?” He laughed shakily and Lukas grinned up at him.

“Might have done some research.” Lukas winked as he got up onto the bench and wrapped an arm around Philip’s waist.  Philip leaned into him and sighed quietly as a kiss was pressed to his hair.

“Thank you for coming today.” Philip felt for Lukas’ hand and squeezed it tightly.

“Like I’d let you go alone.” Lukas shook his head and rested his cheek against Philip’s head.  “D’you want to go get something to eat or…?” He trailed off.

“I think I’m ready to go home.” Philip said quietly.  “Can you stay tonight?”

“Anything you need.” Lukas nodded against his hair and Philip is pretty sure he felt his heart swell three sizes with love for this boy.

“You wanna go now?” Lukas asked and Philip nodded.

“I think so.  There’s just one thing I gotta do.  Alone.” He added.  He wasn’t sure how Lukas was going to react, but he _needed_ this.

“Sure.  I’ll go wait by the bike.” Lukas moved away and gave Philip a parting kiss on the cheek.  Philip watched him walk away for a few seconds before he sucked in a deep breath and stood up.  He stuck his hand in his pocket and walked back over to his mom’s almost filled grave, his chest aching.

He caught the attention of the guy on the digger and asked for a minute and the guy looked irritated but thankfully turned off the digger.

“Two minutes.” He warned and Philip nodded quickly.  The guy went off with his bottle of water and Philip found himself running his hand over the top of his mom’s gravestone.  It was smooth and cold, but somehow it reminded him of how he’d stroke his mom’s hair when she wasn’t well or she was high.

“Hey, mom.  I got you one more gift from the boonies.” The words came out sounding strangled around the lump in his throat, but he figured she wouldn’t mind.  He pulled the box of cigarettes out of his pocket and blinked back tears.

“Wouldn’t want you to go into the next life empty handed.” He tried to joke.  “I don’t- I don’t know what to do without you.  You were all I had.  You were my whole life.  But now I have Helen and Gabe and Lukas and I love them too but it isn’t the same.” Philip’s voice cracked and his eyes started to sting again.  “I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of falling apart.  Everyone’s walking on eggshells around me and I feel like you’d know exactly what to say so why can’t they.  You always knew what to say.” Philip scrubbed the back of his arm over his eyes viciously to get rid of the tears.

“I’m sorry I got you killed.  I’m so fucking sorry.  I’ll always be sorry.” He pulled in a sharp breath and looked around, hoping no one was eavesdropping.  “I don’t think you’d want me to look backwards, though.  S-so I’m going to try to look forwards instead.  I’m gonna live my life right.  I think I’ll stay in Tivoli…with Helen and Gabe.  You always wanted to get out of Queens and into somewhere more country.  I’m gonna do that for you.  I’m gonna finish school and figure out what to do with my life, and I’m gonna try and make you proud.”

Philip’s hands shook as he tossed the cigarettes into the grave, his parting gift to the most important person in his whole life.

“I love you so much.” He choked.  He kissed two of his fingers and pressed them to the top of her gravestone, praying that somehow he could communicate everything he was feeling through one simple gesture.

“Bye, mom.” Every time Philip thought he couldn’t hurt any more, his heart found new ways to break apart.  His chest was burning as he turned his back on his mom and walked away to Lukas.

Lukas looked up from his phone and his face softened.

“Done?” Philip nodded in answer and Lukas handed him the helmet.

“Time to go home?” Philip nodded again once he had the helmet on and they climbed onto the bike silently.  Lukas did whatever Lukas did and the bike snarled into life beneath them and they were racing through the traffic out of the city.  They’d done this route home a thousand times but this time it felt different.

Philip felt like his heart was wrapped in string.  One string connected him to Lukas, one string connected him to Helen and Gabe, but one string was attached to his mom.  That string was being pulled tighter and tighter and tighter the further from the city he got until he felt like his heart was going to be torn to shreds.

He wondered if the pain would ever leave him completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This collection of fics is finished, but I'm nowhere near done with Philkas! If you have any fic requests you can find me [here](http://isaksredscarf.tumblr.com) and drop me a message! Thank you to everyone who read this, and especially those of you who left kudos and such lovely comments ♥


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